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Hands up all of you who’ve ever entertained the idea of having (or should I say receiving?) colonic irrigation (yes I know it sounds like you’re enquiring about planning permission to build an aqueduct in your back garden, but seriously, folks)?

Hmmmmm, only Baxter sat on the back row, eh? Well, I can’t say as though I had your card marked for that sort of malarkey, lad, but I suppose it takes all sorts!

I think I once observed some guy, dressed up as Santa Claus on Eurotrash watching in ‘shock horror’ fascination as a great number of his very own ‘latent stools’ (I doubt that’s the correct terminology, but there you go) were washed from his anus down a clear plastic tube full of pumped tepid water to God knows where …although then again, I may be mistaken!

Anyway, IMPACTED FAECES stuck inside the intestine is what we’re concerning ourselves with here, and it’s not merely something you can rely on the Yellow Pages to sort out after contacting the nearest practitioner of Dyno-Rod.

So it was once again with an open mind, albeit tightly clenched cavity, that I ventured to visit Alison and Rob Williamson at the Plumb Blossom Clinic in Baddow Road.

When John Wayne dies (yes the cowboy who used to get off his horse to drink some milk), he had 63lbs of crap stuck inside his large intestine, and it was with this thought in mind that I laid down on the couch and allowed Alison to begin gently massaging my abdomen! Almost immediately she located my ceacal valve (I didn’t even know I had one); this is the valve that separates the large intestine (which measures approximately 5ft and begins just the other side of your rusty sheriff’s badge) from the small intestine (we’ve each got approximately 14ft of the ruddy stuff coiled inside us with presumably turdlings littered sporadically throughout).

The thing about colonic irrigation is that it only washes the large intestine, yet the treatment I was having helps to cleanse both. It’s a Chinese remedy called Chi Nei Tsang (pronounced chee nay sang), which focuses on the gentle massaging of the abdomen, which is where we often tend to get a build up of tension and a backlog of toxins that prevents the organs operating at their optimum level. Our small intestine is all wrapped around itself in a small space and is in charge of our emotions as well as our food. A low fibre, highly processed diet, pollution and prescribed drugs all go towards causing a build up of toxins in this area. Unfortunately we live in such a highly stressed society that we don’t often appreciate what a constant state of tension we’re all in. It’s certainly not a good idea to skip meals, eat-on-the-run or even ‘talk business’ whilst eating.

Chi Nei Tsang helps remove impacted faeces, keeping the abdomen free from obstruction so that energy can flow freely to feed all our organs. It also helps treat such conditions as constipation, diarrhoea, IBS, stress, low back pain, sciatica, PMT, painful periods, lack of energy, weight loss and even headaches.