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For my latest trip to the Plumb Blossom Clinic in Baddow Road, I was very much looking forward to being on the receiving end of a bit of acupuncture …or ‘having a few lightening rods stuck into me’ as I call it, albeit miniature ones.

First of all though, you must understand that when a physical ailment has been diagnosed, generally speaking you’re going to need a course of treatment if you really want to recover fully, whereas all I’m doing is ‘sampling the wares’ to give you good readers a better insight into what actually goes on in there.

Like many people, I have unfortunately suffered from lower back problems off and on for white a number of years, although certainly more consistently for the past two or three.

Ashi Acupuncture

Alison at the Plumb Blossom Clinic explained to me that Ahshi acupuncture works on the simple theory of ‘where it hurts stick a needle’. In short, where there’s pain there’s stagnation, thus the blood needs to get circulating in order to help repair the injury.

I was more than happy to give this a go, although I soon wished I’d worn a smarter of trolleys when Ali instructed me to drop my keks as she needed to sick a couple of pins into the backs of my legs as well (‘Oooh, matron’).

You can just feel a tiny prick (don’t even go there!) when the needles go in, but as they barely break the surface, I did my utmost not to squeal (as Stan Getz playing smoothly in the background, helping to take my mind off my bare arse). However, once the needles were in place, Alison announced that she was going to ‘put me on charge’ for about fifteen to twenty minutes, and this is not so dissimilar process as one might attempt in order to breathe life back into an old car battery, which I most certainly am not! This is called electro-acupuncture and until your body gets used to the sensation, it does feel kind of weird.

I only had about 2 volts pumping through me the whole time I was laid-up on the couch, but Alison said I was “a bit pathetic” as most people can stand about three!

The bottom-line concerning this type of treatment, once you’ve given a recommended course a chance, is that there are no guarantees. However, one of four things will certainly happen:-

(1) Nothing at all (in which case you’ll need to try a completely different process).

(2) You’ll get worse before you get better.

(3) You’ll get better

(4) You may experience some relief, although before you know it, you might be right back where you started.

However, acupuncture treatment is generally 80% affective and also works on dogs and children, so you certainly don’t have to ‘believe ‘ in it for it to work!

Alternatively, if you really don’t fancy a load of pins stick in your body, there’s an eclectic mix of therapies on offer, all tailored to the needs of the individual.

Next month I’m going to be sampling Chi Nei Tsang – better known as ‘internal organ massage’, which is a far less intrusive version of colonic irrigation to remedy any ‘impacted faeces’ I might have stored. Oh yeah!